“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
- Christian New Testament, Matthew 22:39
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“You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against any of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself …”
- Jewish Torah, Leviticus 19:18
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“And do good unto your parents, and near of kin, and unto orphans, and the needy, and the neighbour from among your own people, and the neighbour who is a stranger, and the friend by your side …”
- Islamic Quran 3:36-37
“Let none deceive another, Or despise any being in any state. Let none through anger or ill-will Wish harm upon another.”
- Buddhist Karaniya Metta Sutta Sn. 1.8
“All you need is love.”
- The Beatles, 1967
“Won’t you be my neighbor?”
- Mr. Rogers
A key theme in my life-long learning journey, and the basis for much of my academic work, is a fascination with the sacred narratives of the world, and more particularly, how many core concepts they have in common with each other despite vast stretches of time and physical distance. My personal argument with regard to the core wisdom of the belief systems of the world, from the smallest and most unknown to those with the most prevalence and millennia of history, is that they all come down to the same thing: Be nice.
Yes, of course, there are layers of politics, power, history, tradition, laws, etc., etc. that have been mixed in and layered on to make these ideological systems what they are, be they political, religious, sociological, etc. If you dig down through those layers, strip them off, and look at the literatures and wisdom at the core of these entities, you’ll find, many times, that they often share the same roots. They have sprouted from the same ancient lineages, languages, and stories. Those, of course, can be traced back further and further until the tangible trail is lost and we only have ghosts and whispers of oral traditions preserved as fossils in what we have left of written records. I am fascinated by those fossils, what they can tell us, and most importantly, what they contain that generations of people have considered within them that is worthy of preservation.
And again, as I’ve explored these long and ancient trails, the paths fade and end, but the last of the trail still leaves you holding one common thread, as noted above: Be nice.
It is tempting to write an entire lecture (or series) giving the whole description of my explorations as they relate particularly to HOAs and the ideologies they contain (and I may yet), but here, it will suffice to say that most—if not all—of extant history and the philosophies it engenders is perpetually preoccupied with how to deal with assholes who ruin everything (for a good crash course on this, I highly recommend the YouTube series Fall of Civilizations by Paul Cooper). And as noted in Lecture Three (now available to view!), I do not use “asshole” just to be crass or off-color. I use it in the sense of argument by definition, which definition is provided by academics writing on the topic (e.g. Aaron James and Robert I. Sutton). I have taken the liberty of refining the term and applying it to a specific kind of asshole who creates HOA hell, the assHOAle™ (LOL), or if you prefer, the HOA-hole.
In language, sometimes it’s not strong enough to say something like “jerk,” “meanypants,” “bully” or similar “soft” terms. The word “asshole” carries a certain charge that meets the energy put out by and incited by this particular personality type (comp. “bosshole”). When someone refers to someone else as an asshole, that has a specific meaning and emphasis we all understand. And those of us mired in the swamps of HOA hell, sometimes asshole or assHOAle aren’t strong enough.
My point in all this?
The whole of human history is permeated with trying to address and resolve the problem of horrible, cruel, power-driven, self-centered people who stop at nothing, even violence and murder, to get what they want or worse, who engage in these behaviors just for the lulz—because exuding power over others and inflicting pain gives their egos a boost and brings them pleasure.
I elaborate upon this more in Lecture Three, but what I am referring to here is consideration of the human psyche and personality as showing general traits of being power-centered or compassion-centered. I acknowledge that this is a sweeping generalization and that it creates a binary, both of which are typically unrealistic and fallacious when applied to realities of life. However, I ask that you indulge me for the sake of this brief (but getting longer by the moment) stroll through the golden fields of philosophy.
I encourage you to try it yourself. View people and their behavior through this lens of power-vs-compassion-centered personality and behavior to see what you observe. After reading Dr. Karin Huffer’s Legal Abuse Syndrome, which presented this concept to me, many things crystallized, and it is the inspiration for Lecture Three, in fact. It suddenly made so much sense, and I felt it gave me a modicum of power for standing up to this kind of person and fighting them. It clarified that no, it is not okay for them to behave like this, that just because they are arrogant and belligerent that it doesn’t make them in the right, and that their desire to be in power causes them to do, say, and believe whatever they need in order to feel that they are in charge and that they do have that control over others that they feel is necessary. It is a protective function that actually is a turtle shell for a vulnerable and insecure ego.
And, tying back to my conversation on ancient wisdom, it is a problem that is ubiquitous through time and space for humanity. All of our myths, fables, legends, stories, folktales, and even today’s narratives shared in media create, capture, and promulgate ideas of what is “the Good” (capitalized here to indicate the philosophical ideal). The Epic of Gilgamesh, one of the oldest extant narratives in world literature, illustrates ideas of the Good King. That is, the divinely appointed leader of a community and what that means. Spoiler alert: It means being a just, educated, self-sacrificing servant of The People. Follow any King narrative and that lesson will usually be ingrained (unless that narrative was manipulated for propaganda purposes, which definitely happens). The Quest of the Hero is very closely related, though the Hero in certain times and places is not a King but a common person who stands up to the corrupt King who is not the Good King (let’s hear it for the hobbits!). Ideas of what it means to be a good person for yourself, your community, your love interest, your family, etc. are prevalent in the stories we tell each other and, more importantly, our children.
They are only of value, however, if we listen to them and take them to heart.
The other key to these stories, given their longevity and prevalence is, again, that assholes are everywhere. These stories are meant to teach people from a young age and to remind them through life that we must “check” ourselves and not let our egos take over, especially if we are prone to the power-centered personality type. And to be fair, yes, we all have selfish moments, and sometimes that serves us. We must be mindful, however, to assess our place and actions to determine if we are acting in the realm of the Good or not.
Community is key to human existence. We are, by our deepest nature, gregarious beings. We depend on each other to survive, and not just in the physical sense of food, protection, and procreation. Our psyches suffer if we are not in healthy, safe, balanced social situations. That, in turn, affects our physical health, and if there is a social illness within our communities, we all suffer.
Enter HOAs.
Humans cannot thrive physically, mentally, or emotionally in authoritarian police states, be they of an official government, a family structure, or within our community “clan.” How many movies and other stories address the Tyrant Parent (be that an actual father or a social dictator of sorts)? Or the bully, which is the Tyrant Parent within our own age group? And what usually happens? The Tyrant, in a “happy” story, is defeated, ousted, or changed, and we all live happily ever after. The balance is restored, and mutual respect is established.
This is where the “love” of our February theme comes in. Yes, we should love our “neighbor” as ourselves. This saying is often shortened to leave off the “as ourselves” part. It is crucial, however, as that is not just a love for someone or something outside of ourselves (and therefore not intertwined with our egos), but someone that is a part of ourselves. The parent-child bond is often the strongest with partner bonds coming next, family after, and so on. This is because our children are a literal biological part of our bodies and selves. Our partners are people who, ideally, are the other or “better” half of ourselves, the Yin to our Yang, so to speak. We often love them more than ourselves sometimes, and self-sacrifice for the better of the pair or family group is often warranted.
How would the world look if we carried this same kind of self-compromising or sacrificing love for everyone rather than just our family, or worse, only for ourselves?
So the wisdom speaks to us through thousands of years. And we have yet to hear it fully and completely.
As I saw on a friend’s shirt this past week: “Be nice. It’s not that hard.”
And it really isn’t, you just have to start and do it for everyone you meet.
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